I saw absolutely none of this. Nothing. Not a second.

I missed the poor first half.

I didn't have an opportunity to be confused by Martin Jol's substitutions.

And I certainly didn't get an opportunity to see Clint Dempsey score a second-half hat trick to lead Fulham past New Castle 5-2.

I saw none of it.

The only thing that grants me any semblance of solace is the wonderous, technological marvel that is online video. A permanent memory derived from an everlasting replay.

Uncanny reflexes, intelligent positioning, pace, composure and assured finishing. This was no set of tap ins.

Believe it or not, this is Dempsey's second hat trick in the last two games at the Craven Cottage, having putt a trio past Charlton Athletic in the Carling Cup.

Dempsey's effort was bookended by penalty kick goals, the first coming from Danny Murphy to tie things at 1-1.

Fulham are now 12th in the table, eight points above the relegation zone and continuing to look like the Premiership's most bi-polar of Jekyll and Hydes.